Thread: Funnies

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Originally posted by Peter in the old site:

10 BEST GOLF CADDY REPLIES

GOLFER: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
CADDY: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

GOLFER: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
CADDY: "Try heaven, you've already moved the earth."

GOLFER: "Do you think my game is improving?"
CADDY: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

GOLFER: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
CADDY: "Eventually."

GOLFER: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
CADDY: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

GOLFER: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
CADDY: "It's not a watch sir, it's a compass."

GOLFER: "How do you like my game?"
CADDY: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

GOLFER: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
CADDY: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

GOLFER: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
CADDY: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:

GOLFER: That can't be my ball, it's too old."
CADDY: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

A couple of my favorites........

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards.

He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, what is 'loft?'

The pro says, "Lack Of Fcuking Talent."

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's name on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

A few more..................

The Why Golf Is Better Than Sex List

* A below par performance is considered good.
* You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
* You can still make money doing it as a senior.
* It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
* Foursomes are encouraged.
* Three times a day is possible.
* Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
* If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
* You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
* If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

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Two guys are playing a cart game of golf and are all square on the 18th.
The first guy slices his way off to the left, and the ball comes to rest on the cart track. His opponent smashes his shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says the first player, "I should get a drop off there."
"Heck no," says his playing partner, "we play the ball as it lies."
"OK," says the first guy, as he drops his opponent off in the middle of the fairway.
From his perfect fairway lie, the playing partner easily finds the green on his second shot, and he can't resist laughing as he sees sparks flying from the cart path during the first golfer's practice swings.
Finally the first guy hits his second shot off the cart path -- sparks flying again -- leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin.
Upon returning to the cart, the playing partner asks in amazement, "That was a great shot ... what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron."

A few more caddy jokes:

Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before, Sir.

Golfer: Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?
Caddy: Yes, ma'am. You've had your hair done.

Golfer: I want you to know that this is not the game I usually play," snapped an irate golfer to his caddie.
Caddy: "I should hope not, sir. But tell me," enquired the caddie, "what game do you usually play?"

I like this one from 'Terrible' Tommy Bolt, 1958 US Open champion and known for throwing clubs.

He was playing the Bing Crosby Pro-Am at Pebble Beach one year when he had 135 yards left to the 16th.

Bolt turned to his caddie and asked for a 7-iron, and the caddied replied, "It's either a 3-iron or a 3-wood. Those are the only clubs you have left."

Felt like throwing a few clubs in the lake after my 15!

No temper tantrums on Saturday please.

Don't want to have to call security!

Here is your daily dose of funnies..........

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.

As the husband was starting his back swing his wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also: 32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

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A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

Time for a chuckle.......

A Gentleman and his wife were out for a nice day of golfing. On the 16th hole the man duck hooked his ball landing in front of a barn. He carefully studied all of his options and asked his wife if she would hold open the barn door and he would be able to hit through. She happily obliged him. He hit his ball, which ricoheted off the inside of the barn and came flying back out, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead.
About four months later he decided to hit the links again with a buddy of his. As they teed off from the 16th, his buddy duck hooked and landed right in front of the same barn. After careful consideration, his buddy said " Ya know if you hold that barn door open I think I can hit straight through" The old man just looked at him and shook his head, then said" I tried that same shot 4 months ago, you don't want to do that, I ended up with a triple bogey !"

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing supremo is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the irishman.
"They are for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman. BMW tinks of every think......"

I was sent these by a friend:

New Golf Terminology
A James Joyce - a putt that's impossible to read.
A Rock Hudson - it looked straight, but wasn't.
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker into another.
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.*
A Margret Thatcher- way far to the right.
A Fidel Castro - way to the left.
An Arthur Scargill - Great strike ,shocking result.
A Condom: Safe shot, but didn't feel very good
A Kate Winslet: A little fat, but still looks good
A Paris Hilton - a very expensive hole.

There were a few slightly ruder/more offensive ones I didn't include. If you're not easily offended, PM me and I'll send you the full list

* Not the 2nd time though!

Time for a chuckle.......................

Pete was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner:' Pete, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?

Verne: 'Yes, sir, that's correct.'

Coroner: ' Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her @rse.'

Verne: 'Was it a Titleist 3?'

Coroner: 'Yes, it was.'

Verne: 'That was my provisional.'

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What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

With a bad golfer, you hear, *whack*...... "PHUCK!"

The REAL Rules of Golf
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/book/The...0of%20Golf.htm

Please memorize them, there will a quiz after the next tournament.

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"

Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"

Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

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A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box.

"Would you like to join us and make a foursome?" asked the grandfather.

"I would, but on one condition," replied the lovely young woman. "I prefer to select my own clubs and make my own putts without advice from men. Every other time I've golfed with men, they try to give me advice. Will you agree not to give me advice?"

The men all consented in unison, none of them being particularly good players.

As they soon realized, this young woman was a fabulous golfer. She was getting par on every hole. The men were wondering who would have the nerve to give her advice!

On the eighteenth hole, the woman found herself facing a 35-foot putt, with a severe undulation on the green. She studied it, and studied it, and studied it.

Finally, she said, "Gentlemen, I'm very happy that none of you tried to give me advice before this. I've never played a round with men when at least one of them didn't try to give me some advice. Right now, if I make this putt, I'll have par for the course, and I'm asking for your advice. If you help me and I make this shot, I'll sleep with each one of you!"

The young man rushed over, studied the putt, and said, "You have to aim for that small bush to the left of the hole, that should be the right break!"

The father ran over and studied the putt, then said, "No, I think you should aim at the knot on the log to the left of the hole, and that will be the right break!"

The grandfather walked up to the ball. "Heck," he said, calmly picking up the ball, "that's a gimme."

Some more grinners....................

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want to ask that question..."

Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"


"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"


"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president
of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

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Good Advice

• Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  
• Form a loose grip.
  
• Keep your head down.
  
• Avoid a quick back swing.
  
• Stay out of the water.
  
• Try not to hit anyone.
  
• If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  
• Don't stand directly in front of others.
  
• Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
  
• Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

Re: Good Advice

Too mechanical - bound to get messy

My new golf book!


Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5 – How to Improve Your Lie During and After the Round

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11 - Why your Spouse / Girlfriend Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 17 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From the Cart Girl and give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 for a beer at the 19th Hole

Originally Posted by Hooked Hacker

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Some essential reading in there

I can think of a certain Woy Woyan who badly needs to memorize chapter 1.

Alternate Shot - Been in this situation before.

A golfer playing in a two-man alternate shot tournament drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par-3 hole.

His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole.

The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to sink the putt.

"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-3?" says the first golfer.

"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!

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Score

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the other's arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,"What'd you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. "Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself,.
" No, no....a five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said,

"Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.
John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie."

Originally Posted by oldman

"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-3?" says the first golfer.

"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!

Good retort

Have to remember that one for the next shootout!

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons:
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…..

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7… Foursomes are encouraged.

#6… You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5… Three times a day is possible.

#4… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3… If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.

#2… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason
why golf is better than sex…..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#1… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Was it a Titleist?

Dear Marta,

have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them." I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls." When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

Yours sincerely

Paul

Got to love Pommie Humor.